Jon James: Blog

OK, so I’m realizing this blog could collapse quickly into a forum for random rants. I say, what the hey. Embrace it. So, here we go. It’s official.

Random Rant #1: XYZ Coffee’s "Handcrafted Oatmeal"

(Where XYZ = a certain corporate coffee chain)

Who is the genius that came up with this linguistic fluff? "Handcrafted?" What sort of craftsmanship or level of said hand-involvement does oatmeal preparation involve other than boil & stir? I suppose there are a number of ingredients or toppings that could be sprinkled in with a certain dexterous flourish.

Please be clear. I visit XYZ with some frequency. They make a mean Americano, and the staff at my fave location are all exceedingly fine, congenial folks. But I saw this "handcrafted" campaign on the side of a bus this morning and felt like I was missing out on something crucial. I needed to understand.

So I visited XYZ's website, where a carefully-calculated promotion page has been laid out in full force. They also tout the virtues of this rather ordinary grain with buzz-lingo like "premium" and "all-natural." Now, I recognize there is some difference between steel-cut and rolled varieties, but I have yet to fathom where or how the "premium" distinction comes into play – unless we’re talking about price. And I’d be interested to meet an unnatural oat. I wonder how that would look and taste.

But there’s more, see. You can also get it with soy protein for "extra boost." What precisely am I boosting when I choose that option, except for, well, my protein intake? Are we talking about energy? Expendable caloric fuel? You know, like the kind you get from carbohydrates? If so, I hear oats are a pretty good source. Lastly, imagine my shock to have learned that cranberry-orange is a "familiar XYZ profile." My grandmother has been adding orange rind to the cranberry relish since 1952, but when I was a kid we didn’t call it a profile, we just called it Thanksgiving.

Now, I must confess. I’m trying really hard to refrain from cynicism. Certainly, it does a body little good; only buoyant thought can cheer the mind. But it’s a tall order to remain vigilantly blind to all the bullshit.

Still. How to cure the skeptic? In this instance, I had a notion, and it felt perfectly right. Go buy a cup, Jon. It’s decent karma, and you might actually enjoy it.

So I did. It tasted like strawberry glue.